i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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