Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
