Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just pee around me
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
