i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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