So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
