i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
