Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
