ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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