Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
NoShamevember. You game?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
