Your face is a jimmy john
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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