Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
