i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
