giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
