youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
