I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
