I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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