you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
