She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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