i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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