woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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