i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
