He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
