I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
