if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
