My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
