I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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