she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Randomize
