Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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