i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
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