I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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