There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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