You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
