the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
