i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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