i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
