sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
