I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
