Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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