I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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