oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
