I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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