Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Randomize
