i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
