Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
