1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
