I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
