Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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