Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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