So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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