I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
