I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
