my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
