I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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